Dear Chakotay...
by Kate Davis
Summary: A lonely woman writes a letter that she should have written long ago.


  
Title: DEAR CHAKOTAY…  
Author: Kate Davis  
Category: Drama, Angst  
Rating: G   
Spoilers: None  
Archive: Please email me for permission before archiving.  
Summary: A lonely woman writes a letter she should have written long ago.  
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Paramount. This piece of fan fiction was created purely for entertainment purposes and no one made any money from it. No infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended.  
  
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She paced back and forth across the dark room that was lit only by the light emanating from her computer screen and the light from the stars. Her hands were wrapped firmly around a boiling hot mug of coffee. She held it to her lips and slowly breathed in the sweet smell, and it dived down into her lungs and soothed her pain for a second.  
Eventually she moved over to the computer, placed the steaming cup on the table and began to enter in the data:  
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Captain's Personal Log  
  
Dear Chakotay,  
There are many things I have wanted to say to you before this moment. The Doctor has been trying to get me to express my feelings for a long time now. Ever since the day I broke down and told him something I didn't even realise I felt, until it came tumbling out of my mouth in a rare moment of weakness. I never said goodbye to you that day. And he insists that I will not let go of my grief and be able to move on unless I have told you everything, even if you never hear it.  
  
Since your departure from this world and my life all those years ago, I have learnt many things that I never knew about you from the rest of the crew. Little things, I guess, but then, little things matter the most when you look back, don't they?  
  
I wish I had more memories to remember. The pain throbs deep inside me when I think of all the lost opportunities - times I wished you were here to celebrate my triumphs and hold me through my sorrows.   
  
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She folded her arms tightly against her and squeezed - trying not to cry, but knowing she probably should. The tears prickled behind her eyelids and her throat closed up in her attempt to keep from releasing the pain just yet. Gradually she gained control and returned to her entry:  
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You are on my mind each morning, before I start the day. I know that you loved me back then, and that I love you now, though sometimes it's difficult to comprehend that.   
At the close of the day, when I fall exhausted into bed, I thank you for everything you did give me, in the short time we were together.  
  
I can't help but wonder, usually in the quiet moments between star systems or calls to the bridge, the type of man you would be today if you had lived, and how different I would be if I had received your love and counsel throughout these lonely years.  
  
I want you to know that I understand and am proud, even though your absence is so difficult, that you gave your life to save so many of the crew. They have never forgotten it, and neither will I. It tells me so much about your heart that I may never have witnessed and I take solace in that.  
  
I guess that's what I need to say. I love you - I know you loved me and I am proud of the man you were. I hope that you would be proud of me, especially now that Harry has retired, and I have been chosen by the crew to lead Voyager's mission home.  
  
Love, your daughter,  
Captain Tahlia Janeway  
  
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Shakily, she stood from the computer and took a long sip of the coffee, before walking over to her bed, slipping between the covers and curling up into a ball. It was there, alone, with the sound lost beneath the blankets that she finally cried for the father who she was told had been a wonderful man, but had died before she'd had a chance to learn that for herself.  
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